I'll teach them yearning is good

This morning I attended an Adoption Options seminar at Phoenix Children's Hospital. One adoptive mom who is also an adoptive advocate said something that touched my heart.

She had a yearning to be a mom to a daughter.

She also talked about knowing which child was her daughter - the knowing deep inside her soul.

I yearn.

Yearn is a verb that doesn't get a lot of attention in our world.

I'd like my children to know that yearning for something creates a desire that WILL be fulfilled.

We'll talk about voting & being responsible

My family talked about current events and news when we were growing up. I remember the first election when I was learning about voting and what was involved in electing our president.

I want my children to understand the importance of being involved and making a difference in this country. Our government is FOR the people BY the people.... not a bunch of strangers in a faraway place.

Voting is a responsibility, not a luxury.

There are no coincidences in life

Was just kicking myself for not filing an I-600 form to adopt from Guatemala. If I had, I might be able to start an adoption now even though everything is supposed to be halted.

That kind of thinking isn't going to help me figure out what door is open....

There are no coincidences in life. I believe there's a reason for the people I meet, the decisions I make, the places I visit, etc.

Everything I have done is taking me forward. I have to stay focused on what I want most: to be a wife & a mom

We'll travel when we want to travel

Last time I flew was to Bellingham, Washington for a fall break/birthday trip. That trip started with me sitting next to a young woman with a toddler girl.

When I offered a second pair of hands while she was trying to get a bottle for her daughter, she said, "you can always tell who has kids because they offer to help. You must know what it's like to travel with a 2 year old"

I wish I did.

When I have children, I'll have to learn how to check our bags. I'll travel with a bag full of snacks, games, and toys instead of books. I'll play games instead of listen to my ipod. Eventually, I'll have conversations instead of silence.

My free-wheeling adventuresome spirit will love showing my children wonderful places.

They may not have blue eyes or my hair

They may not have blue eyes or my hair, but that's okay because they will be mine.

I will love them with everything inside me just as I once loved you

Wish I Had Started Sooner

I spent most of my 30's in love with someone who ultimately didn't love me enough to marry me.

When I have children, I will wish that I hadn't waited so long to have them. But, I'll also know that I have enjoyed plenty of adventures before they arrived

Remember My Life Before Children

On the days when my children are driving me bananas, I will remember how lonely it was before they arrived. I'll remember how I wondered if it would ever be more than me and two cats. I'll remember how it felt to return home to a dark house night after night.

When I remember these facts, I'll forget that my children are driving me bananas

Celebrate Their Opinions

Babies come from the womb with opinions....

I will celebrate my children when they express opinions..... even if their opinions don't match my opinions

What an odd thing to hear at work....

Today a co-worker said "you are going to be a great mother"

He liked my attitude and thought I'd be able to handle teenagers one day because I'm handling a woman who behaves like a negotiating pit bull. She thinks she can avoid required work by doing these things: cajole, worry, pretend to be dumb, act confused, sound surprised, express shock, and ask more questions. My goal in dealing with her is to remain positive, upbeat, and firm on the boundaries - she's got some work to do, and she'd better get to it.

I told him that he had no idea how much I needed to hear his comment today. Then he admitted that he was concerned he'd stuck his foot in his mouth when he said what he said.

I told him I was trying to become a mom.... who knows what he thought of that comment?!?

Who Knows How They Arrive?

Renamed the blog, and maybe that action will get me kick-started.....

I don't know if I'm going to have a baby physically or I'm going to adopt.

I worry I'm too old

I worry my eggs are too old

I worry about being physically pregnant

I worry about NOT being a mom

I'm really tired of feeling stuck & worried.....

A Toddler Overnight!

I receive Estela's latest update....

Somehow she has become a toddler in one month. Last month's update she still seemed like a baby. This month she just doesn't seem much like a baby - more like a little girl who needs a mommy and (someday) a daddy

No news, no updates, no baby plans

Thanks for the people who have contacted me lately..... I've been offline because there's nothing to say yet.

No new process has been identified

Not all of the old cases are completed

No one seems to know what's going to happen next

My finances aren't in order any longer anyway so it really doesn't matter that Guatemala can't seem to "get it together"

My heart is tired.

When I start thinking about what I'm going to do to adopt, my brain hurts. Sometimes I think I'm being ridiculous for waiting and wanting and hoping for an adoption in Guatemala... that is something that may never happen.

Maybe I'm not going to be a mom in this life....

Maybe I am.... I know I want to be...

"I was once an 'I' and now I'm a 'we.'"

Loved reading this tidbit on Celebrity Baby Blog

Laura Ingraham is a pretty conservative woman.... You can listen to her "big announcement" on her website

Helping Someone Else Gives Me Hope

One of the blogs I enjoy most in blogland is for a family adopting a second daughter from Guatemala. I think I first read their blog just after they picked up their first daughter (okay, I actually don't remember when I first read their blog, but I was quite taken with all the beautiful pictures & family stories). Easily, it's the first blog I check each day in my round of blogging buddies.

Earlier this week she posted about wanting to be in Guatemala for her daughter's birthday. I don't have a lot of money these days, but I have plenty of airline miles. I have MUCHO LOTS of airline miles with Continental. Well, it seemed pretty easy to me to give her the miles so I did.

It is such a blessing to help someone else. Helping her gives me hope that maybe someday I'll have a chance to adopt from Guatemala also.

I keep thinking back to last fall. If my original agency had told me earlier they wouldn't help me, could I have found another agency willing to work with me? Would I have gotten mixed up with some of the scammers? We're beginning to hear some of the tales of adoption scammer heartbreak & thousands of dollars vanishing into unscrupulous pockets.

I still believe everything happens for a reason. I still believe I will be able to adopt. I still prefer Guatemala to any other country.

And now.... helping her be with her daughter next month.... I have a little more hope, too

Received Estelita's update

I cry every time they send me an update on Estelita. Happy tears because she's absolutely adorable to me. Bittersweet tears because Guatemala still doesn't have a new process & I still wait.

The home that is caring for Estelita posted disturbing information on Sunday night. Here is a portion of what the home's director said....

"....Our lawyer told us that there are more sad cases showing up in the news. Just the past month there were 4 different cases of babies in dumpsters, and babies found dead, and some mothers are going to the border and giving or selling babies to Mexico. If babies are unwanted, the court makes that mother feel bad, therefore, she looks for others ways to take care of her problem, rather than taking the child to the PGN and declaring that she just can’t care for the child, she just takes matter in her own hands.

We have been with girls when they have been so brave to take the child to a court and declare only to have the social workers will say things like : “Dogs don’t even give up their puppies.” or “You look healthy, why can’t you take care of this baby?” or They just embarrass the girls with bad comments about their life style. Young mother’s don’t want to be subjected to that treatment, they have said to me, they would rather, “See the baby dead, than far away.” Or, “do I have to tell everything about my life?”

We have living in Guatemala nearly 30 yrs. We know the culture. This change is not going to make orphans disappear. There will be just more left alone and abandoned.

Our hearts are heavy about this, and we know that we must keep on loving these little ones."

I have to figure out a way to help. It is really difficult not to love Estelita as if she is mine already. But she isn't mine. She can represent the daughter I desire, and I can continue to identify what I can do to help her and the other babies who have been caught in this horrible ugly mess that UNICEF assisted in creating. And, now that UNICEF and our DOS succeeded in stopping adoptions from Guatemala, where are they? Are they helping take care of the abandoned babies? Are they helping the mothers? No, they are back in their ivory towers in their big cushioned offices. They are patting themselves on their backs & it is disgusting!

Did I mention the "age" thing?

I was trying to explain to my family why I am not waiting until I have all the money saved again. I know they mean well, but sometimes I just wish they'd say "okay, sounds great" instead of questioning me every time I tell them what I'm doing.

Since I had to use my adoption nest egg last year to pay my mortgage, I'm in a bit of a bind financially to adopt now. SO I was contemplating cashing out a 401k or 403b account. I know that this isn't the smartest idea from a long-term perspective, but I'd have the money when it's needed.

When asked why I'd consider such a thing, I had to explain the age situation. When a parent is older than 45, most countries prefer not to place an infant with that parent. As examples - since I'm a lucky single woman, I'm limited to 5 yo or older in Peru and 7 yo or older in Colombia.

Just another reason to dread a birthday - LOL

Come on, Guatemala! Give me some good news already!

Still no new process

When Guatemala chose to change its process to be Hague-compliant, it said that it would have a new process in place by April 1.

As of today, still no new process has been announced...

Today I spent a lot of time online researching again for what seems like the MILLIONTH day of looking for options. So many countries are closing or slowing down processes.... sometimes it feels like nothing is going "my way" except that I remain interested in adopting from Guatemala. Only God knows why because it definitely isn't an easy option as of today. Some people refuse to believe Guatemala will re-open for adoption. I prefer to believe it will.

I'm grateful that I spent Easter with some friends and their family. I loved being with people who have been together for years and years and years.... I crave more of that belongingness and togetherness in my life.

Lightbulb Epiphany

WOW!

OH WOW!

OH MY! WOW!

I could get my Teaching English as a Foreign Language certification and get a job in Guatemala. I might not be making as much money as I would in the States, but what an amazing way to live in Guatemala with my daughter.

yes, that was a great idea that crossed my mind this afternoon.....

So here's a wild idea....

This weekend I was talking with one of my girlfriends about going to Guatemala this summer. We can do individualized Spanish language immersion programs. I'm more interested in business Spanish, and she's more interested in educational Spanish.

I think it would be an awesome adventure.

No promises

Even though I knew it wouldn't be probable, I'm glad I asked.

Basically, no one has a clear sense of what's going to happen in Guatemala. It isn't clear if the caregivers will be involved in identifying the families who will eventually adopt children currently in the homes.

I will continue to be part of the group caring for Estela.

And, we'll see what happens in the future...

Asked about Estela

I decided that I had to ask if it would be possible for me to be considered for Estela's forever family placement.

The first email I received in response:

I knew you would fall in love, but you know we can't promise anyone these children since we don't know what the Guatemalan government is going to do. April we might know something, If you start papers you will be able to submit in the Central Authority and who knows they may give people choices. Or not? We'll let you know.

The second email I received in response:

What we have heard is that the homes have a list of children and the adoptive families will be on a list and the CA will try first to match the child with a Guatemalan family and if one is not available for that age and sex of child they will then offer the child to families on the list. We don't know how that list will be managed? We heard that the children in our home may be selected by the CA for families unknown to us. and families will be offered children from homes they don't know anything about. We hope this is not true, but that is what we are told.

Adoption Grants & Loans - Info Needed

Today I heard about an organization that provides adoption matching grants and assists with fund raising. LifeSong for Orphans helped a family I know in Arizona. They qualified for a tax deductible fund to be set up so that people could give to their adoption and receive a tax deduction. They also received a matching grant.

I got excited and went to the website www.lifesongfororphans.org to see if I could apply. Of course, I should have known that a Christian organization interested in adoption would have stipulations.

They only work with traditional 2 parent Christian families. Last I checked there wasn't a husband at my house....

Possible Good News

I'm blessed to receive updates each week from an agency that I'm considering. This week's update has given me lots of hope.

A new process for Guatemala has not been announced. Activity remains focused on finalizing the "in process" cases from December.

According to this week's update, the proposed new process for Guatemala will continue to use lawyers. The Central Authority will maintain an oversight responsibility. It's also been said that the foster mother program (one of the strengths of Guatemalan adoption) will remain in place.

The agency has said that prospective families can submit no-fee applications, start the homestudy process, and start the federal fingerprinting process. That is EXCITING NEWS!!

IF the information about the new Guatemalan process is true, it may be possible that the orphanage that has Estela could be involved in choosing her family. Although the orphanage prefers to work with married Christian couples, I am hoping they will consider allowing me to adopt her. It would be such a privilege to be her mom!

I continue to remind myself every day that I am only sponsoring her until the new process is identified. I am trusting that it will work out as it's supposed to be.

Her name is Estela

By the time I contacted the orphanage, Carlos Enrique had an active sponsor. Instead of sponsoring a boy, I asked if I could sponsor this adorable little girl.

Her name is Estela.

Her caregivers are calling her Estelita. That's such a beautiful name - I think I might call her Estelita also!

Isn't she beautiful?

I Could Have Done It Last Year

Feeling terribly frustrated today..... Reading posts on various message boards of people who started their process in August 2007 and finalized today.

That could have been me if my original agency had allowed me to start my paperwork.

Coulda, woulda, shoulda....

I hate feeling this way!

If I truly believe that everything happens for a reason AND that it's all good, what the hell is good about wanting to be a mom & not yet being a mom?